geardrops [blog]

The following email exchange between myself and my professor, concerning requirements for the cryptography class, is 100% accurate in its quotations.

From: me
To: Professor

Hello Professor –

I was your student last year in [class]. In my upcoming coursework I plan on taking Cryptography, and when I looked at the previous offering, I saw that you were teaching it. I was hoping to ask for your help.

I’m still a bit weak in math, as I haven’t really done much since undergrad, and struggled in your previous class with all the probability. I’m also struggling with the math in one of my current classes (Data Mining and Pattern Recognition). To prevent further struggle, I was wondering if perhaps you could tell me what kind of math I should brush up on, in order to be sufficiently prepared for Crypto?

Thanks very much!

From: Professor
To: me

Hello

As AMTH 387 Cryptology is a 300-level mathematics class, a certain level of mathematics appreciation is required, but not necessary. [emphasis mine]

A basic course in discrete mathematics or number theory should be helpful, but again it is not necessary.

Regards.

From: me
To: Professor

Hi Professor –

Thanks for your reply! So there will be no use of statistics in this class?

From: Professor
To: me

In my opinion, one of the following two requirements would suffice.

1. A likeness for things mathematical (preferable).

2. Do not dislike mathematics (less preferable alternative).

Best Regards.

In summary, my professor is THE FUCKING RIDDLER.

First, your music Monday: The National - Mistaken for Strangers. Good if you like Interpol, White Lies, and the like. Not The Like. Though I like The Like. But that’s not what I mean.

This was a tragically unproductive weekend. I sought to make bread which, as the title of that link decieves, is perhaps easier than you think but not as easy as you desire. My loaf did not rise a second time. Then I sought to make jam. This went better. I also made dinosaur muffins. I think that was the weekend’s triumph.

Oh, and this:

Wherein during my coworker’s trip to France, I walled her half of the office with wrapping paper and filled it with three hundred balloons.

And despite my intentions to remain true to my task and edit the Runner novel, I am now being plagued by another novel idea. This one wishes to promise it will be creepy. I believe it is rather full of itself and should only promise to put on a scary mask and hope for the best.

I realized I needed a wrap-up post for Comic-Con. Because you care, and I care that you care, and you care that I care.

The problem with Bill Willingham is that he wants more readers, just not you. He made this abundantly clear by wasting easily a fourth of the Fables panel mocking the television-viewers in the room, instead of talking about Fables-related things. Sir, I understand you’re bitter that the line to 6DE wrapped thrice on itself solely because of Venture Brothers and nothing to do with yourselves, but it’s not very classy when you let it hang out like that.

9 looks promising. District 9 will either be amazing or shit.

Doc Hammer cannot seem to remember that the room might be populated with those under the age of eighteen, even when reminded.

Audience Member: I just wanted to start off by saying, Mr Publick, I’m sorry for trying to lure you to my hotel room last night.

Jackson Publick: Were you?

Audience Member: You were pretty drunk.

Doc Hammer: Wait, where the hell was I when this happened?

Jackson Publick: Probably drunk too.

Doc Hammer: [to audience member] Damnit, why didn’t you ask me? I could have been waking up in your tub right now.

This only got worse as the panel continued…

Audience Member 2: Just wanna start by saying I love you guys…

Doc Hammer: And I love you. Let’s go back to your hotel room. Can we get that first guy involved? The one with the glasses? You and I can do a high-five over him.

James Urbaniak: So I just noticed… on the back of these little nameplates, it says: “Please be aware that some of your audience members might be under the age of eighteen, and that you are advised to keep the content of your panel appropriate for this audience.”

Doc Hammer: … [staring at this second audience member] … [realizes he looks a little young] …

Jackson Publick: You know what we should be talking about? Vegetables.

Doc Hammer: Yeah! And when I say ‘get it up and keep it up’ I mean your grades.

This was some of the milder stuff. My hobby during this was to watch Keith Crofford simply react.

Watchmen was fun, if for no other reason than Zack Snyder wound up accidentally hosting a food drive simply from being asked if he preferred smooth or crunchy peanut butter (so you do not freak out, I believe the answer was smooth). An audience member cried out that he must have jelly, to which he replied: “I don’t want any jelly that could possibly have come from this audience.”

In the end, a good time was had by all. And I received an ARC of THE CHILD THIEF, which is great so far. Was pretty sold on THE MAZE RUNNER but, alas, no ARC to be had.

From: [coworker]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 8:37 AM
To: Me
Subject: Your Whiteboard…

Contemplating where to put your evil space fortress?

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 09:42 L
To: [coworker]
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

Hm?

From: [coworker]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:02 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

Lagrange points on a whiteboard can only mean one thing.

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:24 AM
To: [coworker]
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

I was actually explaining them to James.

(That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

From: [coworker]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:27 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

James, your evil space fortress architect?

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:53 AM
To: [coworker]
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

Fine, fine.

Well, maybe I can use your help in this.

I’m thinking of L4 or L5, being that any attack I would launch from L3 would get to earth somewhere in the quarter-year range (with current propulsion available) whereas L4 and L5 significantly cut down on that time. (L1 and L2 are right out due to their proximity.)

Thoughts?

From: [coworker]
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 11:54 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

L4 and L5 also cut down significantly on station keeping-related fuel expenditures, given their relative stability. The main item deciding between L4 and L5 is stealth. With L5, an outbound mission and an Earth attack are immediately easy to distinguish, whereas accelerating in line with the direction of orbit could be either, from an L4 station. “It’s a peaceful mission to Ganymede,” your spokesminion claims, and Earth-based do-gooders can’t prove otherwise until too late!

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 12:03 PM
To: [coworker]
Subject: RE: Your Whiteboard…

This is why we are friends.

From: [my boss]
Sent: Friday, June 12, 2009 4:07 PM
To: [team]
Subject: servers hanging

The network/user directory issues today seem to be wreaking havoc on our machines. We’ve rebooted it 3 times today and each time it only stays usable for ~5 minutes before something goes wrong. It is still pingable and seems you can still browse files, but active makes and any I/O operations seem to hang. Does anyone have any ideas?

From: Me
Sent: Friday, June 12, 2009 4:10 PM
To: [my boss]
Subject: Re: servers hanging

Beer o’clock?

From: [my boss]
Sent: Friday, June 12, 2009 4:10 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: servers hanging

Best idea I’ve heard all day.

From: [name redacted]
Sent: Monday, May 04, 2009
To: Company
Subject: WINE
Importance: High

We have a box of wine from WSI, attention: [name redacted]. If this belongs to you please stop by receiving to pick up and sign.

I love how people ship things to work. Now I know whose office to go to.

Also, Happy Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you.

Office Mate: This sucks. My friends want to drag me out clubbing tonight.

Me: Yeah, your life is a real pit of anguish.

OM: You don’t understand. Brody Jenner is going to be there.

Me: Who?

OM: From MTV’s Bromance?

Me: Who?

OM: King of the Douches?

Me: Who?

OM: Really? [sighs] Basically, it’s going to be douchetastic tonight.

Me: Sorry. I’m guessing ‘douchetastic’ is a bad thing. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe some people are into that. Why are you going?

OM: My buddy wants to … I don’t know. What’s the word the kids use these days? Get with? Some chick.

Me: Hook up with?

OM: Holler at?

Me: I usually say hook up with.

OM: But doesn’t ‘hooking up’ usually imply something… else?

Me: And ‘hollering’ doesn’t?

OM: He just wants to holler at her.

Me: But what if she’s not a holler-back girl?

OM: Oh God.

Me: Few times I been around that track, so it’s not just gonna happen like that

OM: Really?

Me: COZ I AIN’T NO HOLLABACK GIRL! I AIN’T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!

OM: Serious?

Me: This is what you get for asking me questions.

Robert: Here’s some writerly advice: If you ever have an evil character, and you want them to lay out their evil plans… if it’s a dude, have him do it while he’s pissing.

I don’t know why, but that just makes it so much more… contemptuous.

I’ve always wanted to do it, but never have.

Ian McKellen changed the opening soliloquy of Richard III to him pissing in a corner and saying, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York…” It was awesome.

me: I’ll… um. I’ll let you have that one.

(I err on the side of not having villains explain their diabolical plans. Primarily by not having villains.)

Robert: Probably a good idea.

But it’s a great introduction.

me: It seems like it could backfire though.

Normally, the bad guy is just revealing his whole plan, which is usually followed by said plan’s undoing.

Robert: Yeah.

me: But now, he’s got his penis in his hands.

Robert: I guess it’s just a matter of timing.

me: I guess so.

Don’t forget to look for his book, Mr Shivers, due out January 2010!

Graph from GraphJam

When I was young and confronted with this question (teachers have learned to stop calling on me when I raise my hand) I asked if the trains were on the same track.

“Well, if they are,” I said, “we shouldn’t be wasting time calculating this. We should be stopping the damn trains.”

We are raising a nation of children who, when confronted with an imminent train wreck and the wholesale slaughter of innocent passengers, instead of sorting out methods to relay the problem to the engineers, simply spend time calculating the when-and-where of impact, and how bad it will be.

Which explains reality television, if you think about it.

… by someone who hasn’t seen it.

Hilarity.